Waiting

I waited tables for five years. My sister still claims it's my only marketable skill. There may be some truth to this statement. I really miss waitressing -- like when I spend all day at work staring at a computer screen. I also really do not miss waitressing -- like when I remember I have health insurance. Currently, I'm seriously considering waitressing a few nights each week. I haven't filled out any applications yet, but it could happen.



A few things to know if I wait on you:



Calling me "baby" will not motivate me to speed up your service.



If you talk to me like I'm dumb, I will respond with sarcasm. For example:

Diner: I don't want bacon on my salad.

Me: Okay, no problem.

Diner: I really can't have bacon on my salad.

Me: Okay, I'll have them leave it off.

Diner: Did you get no bacon for my salad?

Me: (Pause) Ohhh, so you don't want bacon?

I did this to people all the time. The offensive guest usually never caught on, but someone at the table always did. I think it helped with my tips. Also, if you ask me "do you need to write that down?" I will nod and write something like "crazy lady" on my notepad, not "extra dressing." Please note: I really was a very pleasant and helpful server. Seriously.



I can't leave for the night until you do. If no one else is in the restaurant, you should probably go home so I can.



If you remember my name, I will like you.



If you look at me when I talk to you, I will like you.



If I like you, you will have everything you need.